Losing control

Gonna upload this immediately since I clicked on COMPLETE in the warnings list... ;)

***

Before long, Tetsuo didn’t feel out of place at a Saturday night anymore. He discovered some of the other guys were actually a lot of fun, and the pills became better and better, it seemed. Okay, maybe he was becoming addicted. But just a bit. Nothing dangerous. Everyone did it, and everyone seemed to go along well anyway. His biking skills grew every day, and sometimes Kaneda would call him to the front so they could take the lead together. These were definitely the best minutes Tetsuo had ever experienced. The lights seemed to fly by as they had done when he had been on Kaneda’s bike, and the adrenaline was pumping through his body so fast, and when he looked beside him, his heart slammed pure heat into him. Sometimes they were chased by the cops, but they always outsmarted them. In short, he fucking loved the Capsule’s life. Before he’d fall asleep, he’d feel as if he was still on his bike, still with Kaneda, still on the streets. In fact, he had trouble falling asleep because he did.

‘Collect your daily!’ Kaneda yelled to his gang one night, and everyone passed some pills on to each other. Kaneda took a few, too, which he normally didn’t do. Tetsuo was wondering how many girls he would manage to go outside with him this time. Maybe the relaxing and at the same time energetic effect of the pills would make it even worse.

That particular night, Tetsuo stood on the lookout. He didn’t have to do so that often, because Kaneda seemed to like him at the front, but in fact, he didn’t really mind. Watching stupid girls doing stupid dances in a lame bar wasn’t that attractive to him anyway. Checking out the bikes of the other guys was a more fun pastime, he thought, and got to it.
At the moment he was investigating a brand new model’s engine, he heard Kaneda’s voice.
‘Tetsuo.’
He was standing in the doorway at the back of the bar the gang was currently in.
‘What’s up?’
‘I’m bored. Are you having any fun, on your own here?’
‘Well, I’m alright.’ Tetsuo started to feel small again. Kaneda didn’t seem to be his usual self, and he figured it had to be the pills. Talking about pills…
‘You got any candy left?’
‘What, you want more of them?’
‘If they can be missed, then, yeah.’
Kaneda smiled and walked up to him, taking a small blue- and white capsule out of his pocket.
‘Thanks,’ Tetsuo said, but before the pill was handed over, Kaneda put it in his mouth, between his teeth.
‘I wanna see how bad you want them.’
At Tetsuo’s confused stare, he laughed. ‘Come on. I know you wouldn’t mind.’
Now that was true. But how did he know, what if he was only joking, what if he would laugh at him if he tried? Tetsuo’s hands were shaking in doubt, but he also needed that damn pill.
‘You’d better hurry, or it’ll melt.’ Kaneda’s tone softened. ‘Hey. Come on.’
Tetsuo took a deep breath, took Kaneda’s face in his hands and tried to take the much wanted capsule with his teeth. Their lips touched, not slightly, but quite heavily, but the pill was gone. Kaneda grabbed Tetsuo by his shoulders and kissed him back, deeply, tenderly, giving him his capsule. Tetsuo swallowed it quickly, wanting to give in to Kaneda’s kiss; he had been wishing for this secretly, for months now. This was better candy than a capsule. This was… he couldn’t name it. All he knew was how much he enjoyed it, and Kaneda seemed to feel the same, for he continued their kiss for minutes. It was slow, it was soft, it was perfect. Tetsuo sighed and held on closer to him. He could smell his leather jacket and the faint scent of beer and girl’s perfume. He figured it was probably his hair. His hair… the simple thought of Kaneda’s hair was enough to send a renewed wave of warm blood through him.
‘I fucking love you,’ he whispered when they took a break from kissing.
‘I fucking love you, Tetsuo,’ Kaneda whispered back. ‘Go home with me tonight. Tomorrow’s a Sunday, who cares.’
Tetsuo couldn’t have said no. He was given the random girl’s treatment, he guessed, so he’d better take advantage of it. He was the only person really deserving to be in that place, anyway, wasn’t he?

Kaneda opened the door to his room and didn’t bother switching the light on. The sun would be out in an hour. Tetsuo threw his jacket on the floor, next to Kaneda’s, and checked the room quickly. One chair. One table. One bed. Socks and shirts on the floor everywhere, and half-eaten food in the kitchen. Tetsuo looked at the owner of the room and knew, stronger than ever, that he loved him more than anything or anyone else in this stupid city and this stupid country. Kaneda took him in his arms, soothingly kissing his hair. Carefully, he pushed another capsule between his lips. Then they got in Kaneda’s bed and didn’t leave it until noon.

Weird enough, it was at that time that Tetsuo realized how young he was. How young they both were, and yet here they were, in a tight embrace, lips together, barely clothed.
He didn’t care. It was great. Kaneda eventually fell asleep, but Tetsuo couldn’t and just put his arms around him, still fucking high, and felt his chest moving slowly as he breathed; felt the steady beating of his heart.

The pale sunlight woke Kaneda up. He yawned multiple times and stretched his arms and legs. It was only after that that he looked beside him, where Tetsuo sat on the bed, watching him quietly.
‘You really freak me out sometimes,’ he mumbled. ‘Hey…’
He sat up as well and stared at Tetsuo, suddenly completely awake. ‘I hardly remember what I did last night…’ He blinked. ‘You and me, huh?’
Tetsuo nodded.
Kaneda laughed out loud. ‘Well, that’s new,’ he said, ‘sometimes I surprise myself!’ His eyes turned to Tetsuo again, and Tetsuo didn’t like the way he was looking at him.
‘Listen up, Shima,’ he said. ‘You’re lucky you’re no girl, otherwise you would’ve been pregnant by now…’
Tetsuo stared at Kaneda and didn’t move a finger.
‘…but over all, I generally just wanna be with girls like that, you know? Besides…’

Kaneda started with a long talk on how they could never be, and should never be together like they had been last night, because of the gang and the other guys, and because of one hundred other reasons, but Tetsuo didn’t catch a single one of them. Without a sound, he felt his insides shatter, and, not knowing what to do or what to say, wishing it was still last night, he stared at the dirty floor. Some girl’s panties were lying in the corner, mocking him with their mere presence, telling him he’d better take his leave and never come back. Gradually, his eyes blurred until all he saw was a big grey stain. An enormous headache emerged from his forehead, forcing him to shut his eyes. Big teardrops landed on the blankets.

‘Shit, Tetsuo,’ Kaneda said when he saw them, interrupting his arguments. ‘Don’t tell me…’

Tetsuo’s irregular breathing was the only sound left in the room. It was becoming colder above the blankets, regardless of the sun. Kaneda was, for once, out of words. Still, seeing Tetsuo cry wasn’t something he could ignore. He was his friend, after all, and no matter how hard he tried to deny it in his mind, the gang wasn’t the only thing needing him. Hesitantly, he reached out to him, and his fingers brushed his shoulder slightly. But Tetsuo felt it nonetheless and shuddered.

‘Tetsuo…’

He slapped Kaneda’s hand away and jumped off the bed, unable to look him in his eyes anymore. In a rush, he gathered his clothes from the floor and put them on, while Kaneda watched him, saying his name. His voice reached his ears, but that’s as far as it went. He walked to the small hallway and picked up his jacket from the floor. The moment his hand touched the doorknob, Kaneda got up and started putting on clothes as well. The door slammed shut behind Tetsuo, but Kaneda followed him, only one staircase behind. After half an hour though, he caught up with him in a dark alley, where he stood against a wall, his eyes on the clouds. He didn’t cry anymore, but Kaneda had a feeling that his state wasn’t any better. He knew that Tetsuo had seen him and walked up to him as carefully as he could.

‘Are you alright, man?’ he said quietly.
Tetsuo’s eyes rolled from the sky to his face. Kaneda guessed he probably wasn’t.
‘If you don’t want me, why don’t you fuck off,’ he hissed.
‘Calm down!’
‘Fucking hell, Kaneda!’ he yelled. ‘Go home already and leave me alone!’

Kaneda knew, somewhere at the back of his mind, that he shouldn’t leave his friend on the streets like this, confused and heartbroken. But at the same time, what could he do? His eyes kept on piercing his in seemingly endless desperation, telling him that he was to blame. Kaneda made a few steps nonetheless, slowly and carefully, as if he were approaching a stray cat. Tetsuo stared at him, taking deep breaths, trying to keep control over himself.
Suddenly Kaneda noticed the changed look in his eyes, and a moment after that realization, Tetsuo had thrown his arms around his neck as he had done the night before, gasping and moaning, but this time in pain.

Tetsuo didn’t want to beg. He didn’t even want to hold this boy anymore, because he had started to hate him. Then why did he do it anyway?
He sobbed. His arms fell back to his sides. In a hardly wanted reflex, he hit Kaneda on the side of his head as hard as he could. Before he could hit him back, he had already run off.

Why not? he thought as he was regaining his breath on a street he had never been before. The thought was enough to make him cringe and grit his teeth in self-pity.

Why the hell does he mean so much to me?

***

This time, too, he feels his tires losing their grip and his bike falls over to his right side. The rest of the gang succeeds in avoiding him as he falls to the concrete, where he rolls over a couple of times. He coughs and tries to get up, then finds it to be impossible.

‘Hey, Tetsuo,’ Kaneda yells as he hurries over to him. ‘Everything alright?’
Tetsuo finds his eyes in the middle of a blurry sky. They examine him closely. Then he feels his hands on him doing the same. Some other guys come to stand with him, but none of them gets down on the ground to do what Kaneda is doing. He’s the only one allowed to take care of Tetsuo.

Tetsuo blinks quietly. Kaneda leans over to check his neck.

‘Why pretend any longer that you don’t care about me?’ he mutters in his ear.
Kaneda’s eyes turn darker. ‘What?’
‘Why can’t you just admit it?’

They glare at each other for a while. In fact it lasts for such a long time that Kai asks if Tetsuo is alright or not, interrupting their silent fight.

‘Yeah, he’s gonna be fine,’ Kaneda says quietly, never breaking their eye contact as he gets back to his feet. ‘Come on, you can get up now.’
Tetsuo doesn’t accept his hand. ‘Fuck you,’ he whispers so that only he can hear it, then gets up slowly. It hurts like shit.
‘Okay gang,’ Kaneda shouts at the entire group. ‘He’s fine. We’re off again!’ Without a second look at his friend, he walks back towards his bike. Tetsuo gets onto his slowly. He wipes away the one tear that runs down his cheek because it’s making his skin itch.

Kaneda looks over his shoulder, sending him a wordless warning before he starts his engine. Tetsuo casts his eyes down.


Wednesday, the 6th of May
1.03 AM